Dear cousin,

Though you will never read this, this post is dedicated to you and for today. Thank you for spending a few hours with me today, while I vented/ talked about high school, college, and shizz. Thank you for asking, questioning, and respecting my decision, even though i still have my doubts, haha. I guess because I never talked about it nor have people asked me, I kept everything to myself. So when I let everything out today, I kind of cried, haha. But it felt good to purge myself of all thoughts. Sigh, I hope I won’t disappoint you and, most importantly, myself. I hope I will succeed .

it has been a long 1.5 weeks. super glad this is all over.

My cousins are going back to their school on Sunday. I guess I’ll be a little sad because random family dinners won’t be the same without them. I’ll be the oldest, sadly, haha. I want to check out SB and see a drunk guy or girl..haha. It’s amazing, right? Good scores and a party school; sounds like a win-win to me! Too bad it’s on a Sunday. Or maybe go to SD and stalk swimmer boyy. OR Riverside for keppel boy C: hehe. I’m just kidding..

Soon, I’ll be applying to a UC here and there..honestly, I don’t care which one I get into. Any UC is fine with me. At the same time, I don’t know if I want to apply out of state..I know that’ll be a big wtf to my parents because I knoww (1) they don’t have the money for 30k tuition and (2) they’ll say if you can’t even get into a UC, what makes you think out of states will accept you? They also don’t want me to be away from home, but that’s exactly what I want. Not that I don’t love them; I don’t want to stay here. I want to be on my own, as in hundreds and hundreds of miles away. I just need to get out of Cali… I dont want to be like my cousins and stay here. I want to try. And it doesn’t hurt, right? It’s just some of the work. And the fee…it’s not like they have to worry because I will probably not be accepted. Since the beginning of this month, I’ve done so much google-ing on colleges and majors that I don’t even want to turn on the computer because I know I’ll push aside hmwk and just end up looking for info again. And again. It is such a bad habit and makes me depressed every time. I read so many opinions and comments on this school or that major, i don’t even know if I have any chance because people on college confidential are hella smart. Is it right to say that I deserve to be in that college? I’ve worked hard, but my grades are shitty. As a person, however,…

So, as I read through the info, I wish I redo high school again. I feel like I missed out on all the important info about college admissions and it’s too late now. I have so many unanswered questions. I’m afraid that if i found out, my morale will drop to -100000. But i want to know; face reality, i guess :(. It is only September too. Imagine me from December and then Fevruary- March. I’d be anxious. So anxious. I don’t want to disappoint. I don’t want relatives talking behind my back, if I failed. I’ve been asking constance and chea a lot of questions lately, so thanks.

I feel like my life is on the line. My life depends on all this.

are now talks of college this, college that.

My mom asked where I really wanted to go for college so I told her the East. She was like, Easter California? I said, No, East Coast. I think that sort of …hurt her. I know that she doesn’t want me to go out of state. But if I really can, definitely the East Coast uPENN. I don’t care if Asians are a minority there (as in things would be harder for me/us); I just want to start…brand new; start over. 

I just feel like education is bunch better; we hear it all the time, it’s probably instilled in me. And the schools there are like…old, castle-y like. I like that. And and, think about one day when we will be tax payers. Better school= better education= able to pay that 15-20% for the people who don’t need to pay taxes… -__-

But if I can’t get into LA or Berkeley, what makes you think I can get into Ivy Leagues, Mom…. ); And plus, I don’t have the grades and we don’t have the money. FUH. Heck, they probably just want the money…

Go to UC ELAC. Affordable, convenient, save gas and money. YEEE…. ):